Final Fantasy VII Go To Rehab
by EeveeHearts
Summary: What it says in the title... Please R


**A/N: Remember my story 'Mighty Boosh Go To Rehab?' Well, this I the Final Fantasy version. Still don't own anything, of course. Enjoy.**

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**The Final Fantasy characters all have problems, and are forced to join rehab. Their problems are as follows:**

**Vincent - Manic depression (or emoness)**

**Cloud - Anti social behaviour disorder. (and really angst!)**

**Yuffie - ADHD**

**Tifa - Anger problems**

**Reno - Retarded**

**Rude - Alcoholic**

**Sephiroth - Murderer **

**Reeve - Druggie**

**Cid - Tourettes**

**Elena - compulsive liar**

**Rufus - Paranoia **

**Scarlett - Sex addict.**

(Yuffie is eagerly dragging a reluctant Vincent towards the building, bouncing all over the place and generally being loud.)

Yuffie: Come on Vinnie! They're gonna cure your emoments! They have anti depressants and everything and nice people and funny TV and-

Vincent: Yuffie, please shut up.

Yuffie: -And chocolate and ninjas and pirates and green bunnies and fluffy kittens-

Vincent: No amount of fluffy animals can cure my tortured soul.

Yuffie: Typical Vinnie! (drags him into the building)

Receptionist: And how may I help you?

Vincent: Kill me now, please. Make it long and painful.

Receptionist: You'll have to wait till five-thirty. Anything else I can do in the mean time?

Yuffie: Some chick sent us to rehab as a bad plotline for a fanfic. Where do we have to go?

Receptionist: You'll have to take a seat. May I have your names please?

Yuffie: I'm YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Single white rose of Wutai at your service! I like sugar and sugary products and chocolate and things high in sugar and-

Receptionist: I just want your name, not your freaking eating habits. (To Vincent) And what's yours?

Vincent: I hate you.

Receptionist: I will most likely hate you too, but for now, your name?

Yuffie: He's Vinnie! Vinnie V! Like MC Vinnie! MC Vinnie reppin' He slaps those hoes!

Vincent: I hate girls. I still wonder over my lost love, Lucrecia.

Yuffie: Whatever MC Vinnie! Come on!

(They take a seat. A bang is heard and Tifa crashes through the door dragging Cloud by the hair.)

Tifa: WE'RE GONNA GET YOU TO A DOCTOR WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!

Cloud: No, I hate doctors! Nooooo! (fights to get away, get's punched by Tifa.)

Tifa: YOU'LL DO AS I SAY! WHERE'S THE FUCKING DOCTOR!

Receptionist: please calm down madam. Take a seat, the doctor will see you in a minute. May I have your names?

Tifa: No… BUT YOU CAN HAVE THIS!

(Tifa flies over the desk and punches the receptionist in the face. She gets knocked out, another receptionist appears out of nowhere and takes her place. She's blonde, chewing gum, doing her nails and a few sandwiches short of a picnic.)

Receptionist: Hiya, doll! Take a seat please!

Tifa: Don't call me doll!

Cloud: Come on, Tifa, let's go! (sweat drop)

Tifa: NO! Your all fucked up, we need to get you checked out! (Drags Cloud to a seat and throws him down.)

(Two certain Turks enter - Reno and Rude. Rude is staggering, holding a bottle and Reno is looking towards the ceiling, lost in his own thoughts.)

Reno: Ceiling cat…

Rude: Hic! Whasshh?

Reno: it watches us flatulent…

Rude: … Hic…

Receptionist: Iyerrr! Can I ave your names please?

Rude: … (too drunk to remember his name)…

Reno: … (Too retarded to remember his name)…

Receptionist: … Could ya like, take a seat? We have a lot of people to see today.

(Rude walks towards the chair, staggers and falls the to floor in a heap of drunken Turk, Reno sits in the plant pot.)

Reno: (laughs stupidly) This seat is prickly.

(Suddenly, some badass music starts playing - One winged Angel. A silver haired man in a long black cloak, carrying a long thin sword enters.)

Sephiroth: I'm going to slaughter everyone in this one. No one shall be spared. No women or children shall live. Prepare to die. (He raises his arm in a badass way and clouds form above his head. Rain begins pouring. Inside? Yeah, let's go with that.)

Cloud: NOT MORE PEOPLE! Tifa, let's go! (Tugs at her arm desperately. She punches him in the face and orders him to sit down.)

Yuffie: What was that last line again? I wasn't listening. I never do.

Sephiroth: Prepare to die.

Vincent: (dramatically) I'm already dead on the inside.

Sephiroth: OK, your going first, king of emo.

Vincent: See!? Even a badass villain hates me! I hate my life! (sulks in a corner)

Receptionist: Iyerrr! Name please?

Sephiroth: Silence you idiotic girl. If you do live after my wrath, your only soul purpose will to be my slave, and nobody shall have names.

Yuffie: (pouts) There'll be kitties, right? And sugar? A girl needs her sugar. And maybe oxygen but sugar really-

(Sephiroth sends a beam thingy at Yuffie from a slash of his sword, which she dodges, being hyperactive on sugar and being a ninja.)

Receptionist: Scuse me! Can I like, have ya name?

Tifa: that's Sephiroth. And if he touches me with that sword I'll have his fucking balls for dog food.

Receptionist: Sweet! Take a seat Sephy!

(Disgusted, Sephiroth takes a seat next to Reno, who's in the plant pot.)

Reno: You know what they say about men with long swords don't you? (winks)

Sephiroth: What?

Reno: Dead sheep in morning, global warming! (laughs stupidly)

(Before Sephiroth stabs Reno with his sword, A certain blonde spearman enters, swearing profusely and twitching)

Cid: Fcking Wnkers! Need some fcking service!

Receptionist: Iyerrr! Name please?

Cid: Fk you! Wnkers!

Receptionist: That's a strange name. Take a seat please.

Cid: Take your fcking mum! (sits down)

(A man in a purple suit drifts in, and absent mindedly makes his way to the front desk, eyes unfocused.)

Reeve: Hey maaaaaan. I heard this was the bong smoking club.

Receptionist: Iyerrr! Name please?

Tifa: IS THAT ALL YOU CAN SAY?

Receptionist: This is rehab. Have you come for your drug addiction?

Reeve: Look man, I'm not addicted to coke, I just like the smell of it.

(awkward silence)

Receptionist: Take a seat please. (reeve drifts over, mouth ajar and sits in an empty chair. He rips down the 'No Smoking' sign and uses it to roll up a joint.)

(Three blonds enter. One man in the middle, his eyes darting around, one girl to his right, clamped tightly to his arm, and the blonde girl on his left showing no sign of any problem she might have.)

Elena: Sir, we're in Disneyland.

Rufus: W-Why is everyone staring? They're gonna kill me right!?

Scarlett: Oh sir, Kya-ha-ha! We won't hurt you! I will do something to you though… (Runs a hand across his face in a kinky way)

Rufus: Did you just strap dynamite to me? OH DEAR GOD!

Scarlett: I'm sure there'll be some… "explosions" if you catch my drift (winks)

Rufus: Your gonna blow up the ShinRa building? WHYY?

Elena: Sir, she's a dyke.

Scarlett: I am not you hoe! Just because I occasionally snog girls to give men a hard on does not class me as a dyke! And if I was, Rufus would love me anyway, wouldn't you Ruffy?

Rufus: What? Aliens are taking over? OH NO! it's Jenova all over again! (tries to escape, but Scarlett holds him.)

Scarlett: Hey sir, maybe some sex will calm you down.

Rufus: I can't have sex with you! I'll get in trouble and the whole world will explode!

Elena: The world has exploded, sir.

Rufus: oh no!!

Receptionist: Ahem! Iyerrr! Names please?

Scarlett: Scarlett, like the colour of my dress. And my bed sheets. Which Rufus knows all about (winks)

Elena: Mary

Rufus: Why do you want my name? Your gonna report me? I didn't do it!

Tifa: WHERE'S THE DOCTOR!?

Cloud: Not the doctor! Not more people!

Tifa: Get a grip Chocobo head!

Vincent: I wish there was a painkiller for heartbreak (sighs) Then perhaps I could finally forget about my lost love, Lucrecia.

Tifa: Write a MySpace bulletin about it, emo kid!

Rude: (Regaining consciousness and determined to have a line in this scene) Hic…! I am WASTED.

Cid: You and your fcking retarded fcking mate are wnkers!

Rude: I'll drink to that (raises bottle of beer and takes a sip. Reno takes off his shoe and puts it on his head)

Reno: I'm a sailor! Wheeee!

Reeve: What's that guy on? I'll have what he's having!

Reno: Your pet cactus (laughs stupidly)

(Cloud's phone rings. He jumps and screams like a girl.)

Cloud: Argggghhh! More people!

Yuffie: Come on, Cloud! People are fun!

Sephiroth: …To kill?

Yuffie: No silly! (Jumps up in her seat and jumps around the round singing Girls Just Wanna Have Fun)

Vincent: It burns! I'm going back to my coffin!

Cloud: I'll join you! (They both make a bolt for the door, but Tifa grabs then, bangs their heads together and shoves them down.)

Tifa: STAY HERE!

(Cloud and Vincent whimper as the doctor enters. Unfortunately, the rehab is owned by the council, so it's cheap, and the doctor is Hojo.)

Scarlett: Hey, Hojo. Let's have sex.

Vincent: You!

Hojo: Me?

Vincent: No the other you!

Hojo: There's another me?

Vincent: You stole Lucrecia!

Hojo: She came willingly (winks) What have you got that I don't, anyway?

Yuffie: Sanity?

Hojo: Apart from that

Cid: Smexy fcking hair?

Hojo: …

Sephiroth: Out of my way, mortals! I shall slash and stab anyone in my way! (phone rings) … Wait, gotta take this… (Answers phone) … Hi mum… No, I haven't killed anyone today, mum. Ok, I'll be home soon. (closes phone and faces the others.) Mum's made spaghetti hoops, so I'm going home for tea, but mark my words, after my spaghetti hoops, No person shall be spared!

(Grumbling, because he couldn't leave in a badass way because he spent all the budget on his hair, he left the rehab, dragging his sword behind him.)

Hojo: Where were we? Oh yes. (Reaches into his pocket and pulls out some tablets.) Everyone take 2 of these. (Hands them out. They all take the medicine)

Yuffie: Are they sweeties? I like sweeties!

Rude: (taking them with a swig of beer) What are they?

Hojo: Laxatives.

(In slow motion, everyone clutches their stomach and rush out the door, racing for the toilet.)

Hojo: … Rule number thirty-four of being a rip off doctor? If in doubt, give them laxatives. They'll be running faster than the road runner on speed. (Laughs manically, causing anyone in ear shot to cover their ears and want to punch babies)

Receptionist: (pulling out a nail file and a Yaoi magazine) …Real nutcase that one is!

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**A/N: Sorry it was a bit sucky towards the end, I was stuck for an ending. Hope I didn't offend anyone, and if I did then I'm sure Hojo will be able to sort you out!**


End file.
